50 questions to ask your grandparents about their life

Most families lose the stories before they lose the photographs. Nobody plans it that way. The person who knew the answers is simply not there to ask one day, and the names under the old faces go with them. This guide gives you fifty questions to ask your grandparents (or any elder you love), and a gentle way to ask them, so the answers are written down while you can still hear them in their own voice.

How to ask without it feeling like an interview

The questions matter less than the way you ask them. A few small habits make a big difference.

• Ask one question, then wait. Silence is not a problem. Elders often need a moment to find the memory.
• Sit beside them, not across a table. It feels like a chat, not an exam.
• Ask about one small thing. "What did you eat at home when you were eight?" often opens more than "Tell me about your childhood."
• Follow where the story goes. If they start telling you about a goat, let them tell you about the goat.
• Ask permission to record. Most phones can record a voice. Say what it is for and keep it simple: "I would like to keep your voice for the grandchildren."
• Little and often. One question a day, over about two months, is gentler than one long afternoon.

Names and beginnings

1. What is your full name, and who chose it?
2. What names did people call you when you were small?
3. When and where were you born?
4. What do you know about the day you were born?
5. What does your name mean?
6. Where was home when you were a child?

The family line

1. What were your parents' names, and what were they like?
2. What do you remember about your grandparents?
3. Where did our family come from before that?
4. How many brothers and sisters did you have, and what were they like?
5. Which relatives did you love spending time with?
6. Is there anyone in the family whose story is not often told?
7. Who in the family do you think I take after?

Childhood and school

1. What was a normal day like when you were my age?
2. What jobs did you have to do around the home?
3. What games did you play, and who with?
4. Did you go to school? How did you get there?
5. Who was your favourite teacher, and why?
6. What food do you remember from your childhood, and who cooked it?
7. What songs or stories did you hear as a child?

Love and marriage

1. How did you meet my grandfather or grandmother?
2. What did you first notice about them?
3. What was your wedding like?
4. What did people say you should know about marriage?
5. What do you remember about the day your first child was born?
6. What did you want for your children?

Work, land and money

1. What was your first job, and how did you get it?
2. What work are you proudest of?
3. Where did we get our land or our home, and how?
4. What was the hardest year for money, and how did the family manage?
5. What did you learn about money that you would pass on?
6. Is there something you built or bought that you would like us to look after?

Faith, hard times and country

1. What does your faith mean to you?
2. Which prayers, hymns or sayings do you hold on to?
3. What was the hardest time in your life, and what helped you through it?
4. Who did you lose that you still think about?
5. What do you remember about Kenya becoming independent?
6. How is life today different from when you were young, for better or worse?

What you want kept

1. What is the best advice anyone ever gave you?
2. What advice would you give me?
3. What are you most proud of in the family?
4. What do you hope we will never forget?
5. Is there something you wish somebody had asked you?
6. Are there photographs, letters or papers in the house I should know about?
7. Who is in this photograph, and where was it taken?
8. What would you like to be remembered for?
9. Is there anything you would like to say to your grandchildren?
10. Is there a family recipe you would like me to learn from you?
11. What makes you laugh most when you look back?
12. Is there anything I did not ask that you would like to tell me?

Question 45 deserves special mention. Take a handful of old photographs with you and ask who is in each one, when, and where. Write the names on the back in pencil, or on a sticky note, right then. Unnamed faces are the most common loss in any family collection.

What to do after each conversation

The conversation is the beginning, not the end. Within a day, while it is fresh:

1. Write down what you heard, even if only five lines.
2. Save the recording in at least two places, such as your phone and a cloud account.
3. Add the new names to your family tree. If you have not started one, here is how to make a family tree, step by step.
4. Thank them. Tell your grandparent what you will do with what they shared. It often makes them want to tell you more.

If your grandparents live far away

Do it by phone or video call, and ask permission to record it. Or ask one cousin who lives nearby to sit with them for an hour. A shared question list lets several cousins each ask a few, so no one person has to do it all.

Take it gently

Some of these questions touch sad memories. If a question brings tears, there is no need to hurry on. Sit quietly, let them finish, and offer to move to something lighter when they are ready. You are not collecting facts. You are keeping someone's life.

In Album, your family's private album on your own web address, the Stories tab holds the written-down answers beside the photographs of the same people, and relatives you invite can add their own; see a demonstration album, or get our free guide of questions to ask.